jokes:

activecarper · jokes:

here's a few for you......

activecarper

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't think so!

activecarper

What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? Shut the door!
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
Sadly, all men are created equal

activecarper

When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:

The woman goes to the store.
The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.
The man places the meat on the grill.
The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

activecarper

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the Happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals

activecarper

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "blimey woman"! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time

and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again

activecarper

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. "What the hell am I doing?" he finally thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Off you go," said the officer

activecarper

A guy who has a stuttering problem says to his doctor... "Ex-Ex-ex-cu-cu-se me-me d-d-oc but-but I-I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I-I-I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me?"
"Well, take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over!"

The guy gets into the gown and the doctor begins his examination. Finally the doctor, obviously suprised says, "I see what the problem is. Your p**** is so large that it's pulling on your abdominal muscles, which in turn is causing strain on your vocal chords."

"W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?"

"Sure I can, but we'll need to cut off about six inches!"

"G-g-go a-a-a-head,D-D-Doc,I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-anymore, d-do it!!!"

activecarper

An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, ''I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.''
''What's wrong with that?'' asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, ''You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me more sex. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.''

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.

''I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?''

The old man answers, again through his tears, ''I forgot where I live.''

activecarper

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered a department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, “Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?”
The sales person haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to a large big k Mart.....

Marching up to the sales assistant, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, “Do you have anything for these??"

having had a closer look the sales assistant replied " have you tried clearasil ??"

activecarper

paddy on death row get's the chance either: to be shot, hung, or injected with the aids virus.

He say's " give me that aids stuff"
they inject him and he rolls around the floor laughing......

The warden say's " what's so funny " ??
Paddy say's " I'm wearing an effing condom!

activecarper

two honeymooning ducks in a hotel.........
As they are about to make love, the drake say's " we don't have any condoms, I'll call room service "

So he calls and asks for four condoms.
The receptionist replies " okay sir, would you like me to put them on your bill " ??

The drake replies " no, you daft cow, i'll suffocate !! "

carp-guru

Absoultely fantastic Laughing

activecarper

glad you liked them c-g, Laughing

activecarper

The top ten reasons God made women
God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.
As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."
And the No. 1 reason of all . . .

God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared: "I can do better than that."

carp-guru

activecarper